Hello folks,

Just to say a welcome to all newcomers, and hello to old friends and fellow-forumers. I haven`t been on here much lately - my Dad died very suddenly on Nov 16th, and there has been so much to do. I found him when he wasn`t answering his phone on the Friday morning. He had been fine the previous day, and we had spoken at 8.30 on the Thursday night. He went to bed and simply didn`t get up next morning.

Dad would have been 89 next week, was still very independent, doing his own cooking etc. apart from weekends, when he would come to us or my sister, so it was a huge shock. His Requiem Mass & funeral was last Wednesday, so we are now trying to pick ourselves up and get on.

After New Year we will have the task of sorting out his house, putting it up for sale etc. - not a task I relish, but we will do it a bit at a time.

Take care all,

Kathleen C x

Hello Kathleen

So sorry to read about your dad, what a shock it must of been for you. I know that when our parents get to a certain age we do try to prepare ourselves for it. but like Zena said they are so precious to us and nothing really can prepare ourselves fully for it.

My mum died when I was 33, she was 67, she had skin cancer that spread. At the time we were told she had anything from a day to a year to live, she only lived for a few days after being told this. My dad was a few months short of his 80th birthday. He like your father was very fit and active, had a lady friend, not only did he do his shopping but he did all of hers as well. Felt ill on the Sunday, went into hospital two days later and died in the early hours of Saturday morning, I did have some time to try to prepare myself for it, unlike you.

I had to clear my dads council flat out straight away. It was heartbreaking having to go through all of his things, finding bits and bobs he had saved over the years. I know it sounds silly but when I had to get rid of his clothes I kept saying to my husband......What happens if he comes back and he's got no clothes to wear?. With everything being done in a rush I gave away alot of things to his friends that I regretted afterwards, I just thought at the time I was doing the right thing. The thing I regret the most is that I didn't save his cap, he always had it on. I have a keepsake box of things from both my parents and it should be in there.

It's good that you haven't got to sort things out until the New Year, you will be stronger then and can make decisions better.

Sending all my love to you and your family.

Paula xx

hi Kathleen,

so very sorry to hear of your sad loss.

i don't think anything can fully prepare you for losing a Parent.

and then you have to face finalising things that bring back memories, which are so hard to bear.

when my Mum died a long time ago now, she is buried in my village .. we went back to her grave in the evening, she had so many flowers sent from her family up in the North East, so my Sister and I picked a few flowers and pressed them in some phone books. something i'd never done before. i left them for about 6 weeks and to my surprise they had dried well, we have a picture framer in the village who colour co-ordinated them into two lots and framed them in matching coloured frames.

i have mine hanging at the bottom of my hallway as my memory of her, i'm so glad i did this on the spur of the moment.

i hope you pain eases as time goes by, but it is definately a process that time can't define.

sending love your way,

Suzanne x

Hi Kathleen - I am so very sad to hear of your loss. No matter how long how parents stay with us, they are still Mum and Dad and losing either one is a terrible wrench. I no longer have parents of my own, but I'm very close to two sets of in-laws (yes, how I have got 2 sets??? Don't ask!) - I dread the prospect of losing any of them, but it's even worse when it's your own dad who you've known for your entire life. So many memories wrapped up in love.

We talked on here only a few days ago about keeping a memory box - that's so valuable - keeping a few special things in a special place. I still have lots of bits n pieces from my Mum, who died of cancer 2 months before my eldest daughter was born (18 years ago), and I gave her the middle name of Dorothy, after her nanna, so that helps to keep her memory fresh. I've got mum and dad's wedding photo from about 1949 on the wall - what a severe bunch they look, mum looked gorgeous and my dad very handsome, but in those post-war years everyone looked serious, smiling was obviously not necessary!!! Only last week, when we were all putting up the Xmas decs, I was telling my daughters all that I could remember about those people and it's nice that they were interested in hearing the old tales. I still miss my mum very much, especially when I have life crises - I wish I could talk to her and get her advice, but I suppose I am the person I am because of her and my dads (both of them - yes I always seem to do things in pairs!).

I hope that your sadness doesn't impact on the holiday celebrations - with grand-children around I'm sure you'll be too busy - and take good care of yourself when you do get to clearing the house. Take it slowly and spend time remembering, that is an important part of grieving and coming to terms with your loss. And always give yourself permission to cry when you need to, some emotions just shouldn't be bottled up. Time heals and eventually it will get easier, lots of hugs from grandchildren will help to speed it along

All best wishes - Sylvia xx

Dear Kathleen

So sorry to hear your sad news. I lost both of my parents within 18 months of each other- Mum died last October and although they were both in poor health, it really was a shock. It was strange- although I often clashed with Mum, losing her hit me hardest.

Sorting the house is difficult- although our task was made a little easier by discovering Dad's eccentric hoards which gave us a laugh. We found lots of bags of out of date pork scratchings, his shed was full of bits of wood, string, carrier bags, plastic containers- I swear he invented recycling. Best of all was an old camera bag stuffed with small packs of foil- we were expecting some stash of drugs but it turned out to be tomato seeds which he'd saved! We also found some old documents from when he was a Jugoslav refugee at the end of the war- things we never knew about and it's been fantastic to learn something of his background as he never discussed it. I kept getting this image of a young man in a strange country, not able to speak the language and i felt a strong wave of sadness but admiration. I miss them both like mad but have lots of lovely bits and bobs which are very precious to me. I found it hardest going through their clothes- particularly their underwear- somehow it just didn't seem right. Unofrtunately, we gave a lot of stuff away in a rush- although it went to a charity shop, I regret doing it so quickly.

My husband found his mum when she passed away- I can't begin to imagine what that must feel like, but it's good that you have the support of your GP.

York is a fantastic place- I hope that you can find some comfort with your lovely family.

Thinking of you

Maria x

Kathleen

Thanks for your kind comments.

We managed to rescue lots of dad's plants but didn't keep the foil packs! He was especially fond of a particular type of indoor geranium which is hard to get hold of so I took the plants and have been madly propagating them- I've got a window sill full of them. He also had a garden full of tulips and daffodils but as he lived in a old peoples'council bungalow, we left those for the next residents to enjoy. Hopefully they got a nice surprise in the spring!

Take care

Maria x

Hello Kathleen


Just to say I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your Father. Always a very sad time no matter what age they
were. I lost my Father when I was 10 yrs old and he just 44 yrs old. My Mother 10 yrs ago as you can imagine
I was my Mothers life after my Father dying so young, so it was awful when she died. It took me a long time to
get over it and even now i still get teary at anniversarys, Birthday etc. she will ALWAYS be in my thoughts.

Take care and do not be afraid to shed a tear - it does help.

Rose

Hi Kathleen - thinking of you! Hope you're feeling OK today - much love and best wishes - Sylvia xx

So sorry to hear of your loss Kathleen , thoughts and prayers to you and your family

Sophie x